
This is the story from an AWE client, in their own words, of what it’s like to live under ICE surveillance.
I am very afraid. I am very afraid of going out. I feel I am always being watched and surveyed. The first thing I think about is the fear. In some ways I feel like I am traumatizing myself. I am always checking my ankle monitor to see if it’s working, if it’s blinking, worrying it will malfunction. I am traumatizing myself because I am constantly afraid it will malfunction and I will need to go back there [the ICE office] again. That is the last thing I want to do.
Always in the back of my mind is my daughter. It is very difficult to bear the weight of how this is affecting her. I try to be okay. I mentally prepare before my ICE check-ins, but I am so afraid when I leave her behind. It is painful and it causes so much fear for me and for her. It has all affected her, too. It has caused her to grow up too fast. She is only 5 but she is forced to ask questions that are not age appropriate. She asks what will happen if I get detained. She asks if she will have to stay with her grandma and she says “I don’t want that! I want to be with you, Mama!” Five years old is too young. It is too hard for her to bear that she might lose me.
It is not only this mental load we carry, but it is the physical load too. There is a physical device on my body. It’s painful on my ankle. My leg hurts a lot. There is inflammation and sometimes I need to take painkillers to manage the pain.
They harm us physically and they harm us mentally. I keep having to go to their offices and I know they can take me anytime.
Now at the ICE office they have a private elevator. This is where they disappear people. I don’t know if I’ll be next. I don’t want to disappear.
There has been a critical change with how the ICE visits are conducted since the new administration. Before, I felt like there was due process in place. I wore an ankle monitor when I arrived in the US. It was only for a few days, though, until I got the results of my credible fear interview. When I passed the credible fear interview, a few days later they removed the monitor. I felt like there was a process before and I understood it. But now I don’t.
I want all the people to know that it is very difficult now. It is hard to tell your loved ones it will be ok when you go to your ICE check-in, but you don’t know if it will be ok. I want them to know we are only here to seek safety.
I see my mom and I see her fearful eyes every time I go to the ICE office. I assure her it will be okay, but I’m afraid. It’s so difficult and I don’t know if it will be okay.
I want people to know that wearing this device is not only physically painful, but also emotionally exhausting. The weight is constant, but the stigma feels heavier, like being mentally incarcerated. I hide my exhaustion from my family because I want to protect them. I tell them everything will be okay, even when I walk into an ICE check-in not knowing what will happen. We came here only to seek safety. I see the fear in my mother’s and daughter's eyes, and I feel the anxiety these visits bring to my whole family. I hope that one day my mind can finally rest from this fear and be filled with peace. We do not wish harm. We are grateful to be here. And even though I am exhausted - for today, we are safe.
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